Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Recently, I have been feeling a little down. Believe it or not, it's because the old spectre called patriarchal discourse has been bearing down on me again. I thought I've thoroughly destroyed him ever since I've taken up feminist ideas (and that began many years ago) but it seems like one can never quite escape the clutches of hegemonic discourses. When you're not paying attention, they creep up on you and quietly infiltrate your mind till you've internalized their messages before you know it. And even when you know you don't believe in these discourses anymore, years of socialization don't simply disappear in an instant, and you continue, illogically, to feel the pressure to conform to what you don't consciously believe in anymore.
I've been feeling this pressure to conform to conventional norms of femininity steadily increase since I've come back from my trip to Japan. Because I intend to further my studies overseas in the future, I've been trying to learn how to cook since the beginning of the past semester. So far, my repertoire consists of instant noodles with soup and an egg, instant noodles with soup and fishcakes, and instant noodles with tomato sauce. Very impressive indeed. Yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm very bad at cooking and to compound matters, I have had little practice in it since the days of Home Economics in lower secondary, but I really do want to learn how to cook and I am trying my best. Unfortunately, my mother seems to have very little confidence in me, and is often rather unwilling to teach me and very quick to dismiss with disdain my offers to cook lunch for myself. I understand she doesn't mean to be malicious, but sometimes I wonder if she's trying to keep me dependent on her and then criticizing me for my dependence.
Then I decided recently to bake some chocolate chip cookies as a gift. I've long told my mother that I want to learn how to bake cookies so that I can bake them on my own for my friends and other important people. In previous times, my mother often interrupted me when I was beating the butter or shaping the dough because she complained that I was "too slow", "too clumsy", "too weak" and liable to make mistakes that would waste her costly ingredients. As a result, I seldom got a chance to really experience making the cookies on my own, which of course, like all enterprises, involves experimentation and learning from mistakes. This time, my mother was kind enough to let me do most of the work myself, with her only standing aside and giving instructions, possibly because I told her explicitly that it would be more sincere if I made the cookies through my own effort. In the end, the cookies turned out pretty nicely, though a bit misshapen.
Then a few of us from the Anime Club began meeting at my house every weekend to sew cosplay costumes. I readily admit that I'm terrible at sewing too, but disparaging comments from my mother, such as "she can't sew because she's got clumsy fingers" and "you're really stupid leh", make me feel like I'm a total failure because I can't do the things that society expects women to be able to do. And I, a self-avowed feminist, theoretically shouldn't be letting such feelings of inadequacy upset me. I know very well that it is unjust to determine the worth of a woman based only on how delicious her cooking is, or how neat her stitches are, or how sparkling clean her kitchen is. I know I ought to value my own achievements and abilities in so-called "unfeminine" spheres, regardless of what others think. But unfortunately, I still feel rather unappreciated when the 'A's on my results slip are merely glanced over silently, and when I get the response - "Quickly go out and work; why do girls need to study so much?" - when I mention furthering my studies. I still feel like I'm useless to the world simply because I can't perform feminine domestic duties well. And most shamefully of all, I still feel this strong need to be able to cook a delicious meal in order to be attractive to guys I like.
So I try to remind myself that I'm learning the so-called feminine domestic arts not because I want to please any man, not because I want to be a 'good' housewife in the future and give up my career, and not because I want the degrading approval of patriarchy! I want to learn because I want to become independent, to stand on my own two feet, to rely on myself before I can support others and ask to be supported by them. I'm not doing this for anyone; I'm doing this for myself.
Nevertheless, I have to confess that telling me my cookies are very nice does make me very, very happy...
kaoru said at 11:56 PM
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