Monday, January 16, 2006
I attended Huimin's 21st birthday party last Friday evening. It was a little disappointing as I was under the impression (god knows how that happened) that more people from my class 36/02 were going to attend. I believed in particular that the guys would have turned up since they are now free on weekends and have much more spare time than the girls in uni. My mom says there is a problem with my generation - people don't take invitations seriously any more. They don't understand what RSVP means, and they break promises easily... Deep down inside, I know she's right that people have a more lax attitude towards attendance of gatherings and the like, but I hope I'm not bitter and I will try to resist thinking so pessimistically about others.
Hope my own 21st birthday party will not prove me wrong.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I think the party awakened my consciousness of being one of the species we call THE SOCIAL FREAK. The social freak is a person who is utterly hapless (and thus, helpless) when it comes to functioning in a social environment where he/she is surrounded by strangers and has to blend in and look comfortable. In other words, socialize.
I've always been a somewhat reticent person who only opens up with friends whom I have known for some time. Over the past few years, I have changed considerably and now I'm quite surprised that I have been able to make friends much faster than I could before. But I'm still hopelessly inadequate when asked to "mingle" with a group of strangers and make small-talk at a party. If it was two to three people, maybe I would still be able to do it. But I get pretty uneasy and self-conscious when it's a large group of say, five to six people. And I am not usually in the habit of making small-talk. I run out of topics very quickly and then I don't know how to respond to others when they make unusual comments... sometimes, I don't even know what to do with my face; whether to smile or laugh or just look serious. I think I usually have a very pissed-off look when I am supposedly giving a "normal" look...
And I don't really like showing my emotions in public. This, I think, is a major problem. After many years of getting bullied in primary school and lower secondary, I have come to believe that I musn't show any feelings in public that can be construed as "weakness". This is why I absolutely detest myself (and sometimes, others... yes, I know it's harsh) for crying in public. I have only cried in public twice since secondary school, and the former was when I received my 'O' level results, so that doesn't really count...
But while I may seem "tougher", the flip side is that my repressive mechanism may have become so well developed that I am losing the ability to feel. And that, according to Remains of the Day, will lead to me losing the ability to act ethically. I'm afraid this may be coming true. My mom has recently started volunteering at the nearby children's home, and she often comes home with lots of stories to tell abut how pitiful the children are. Now, I intensely dislike sentimentalism, possibly because I am still soft-hearted beneath the facade, and sentimentalism strikes right through my flimsy defence. So I over-compensate by refusing to feel too sorry for the kids. I just told my mom on Thur evening that I wonder at how she can tolerate being in such a situation, where these kids, whom I believe are not mentally deficient but late in receiving education, say things that would make me extremely uncomfortable. For example, telling me that my skin is so much nicer than theirs' and forcing me to agree with their comparison. And I don't like the way my mom lies to them to humour them. I suppose it is just harmless playing around but I have never been comfortable with lying to children. Because I think it's demeaning and makes the truth hurt more when they finally find out.
So I suppose this all boils down to my inability to handle my feelings and relate to people. I hope one day I'll become better at understanding my feelings, regulating them when necessary and expressing them better too. Because there are people important to me and I don't want my intentions to come across awkward at best and wrong at worst. And though I don't think I can ever metamorphose from an eccentric lit and anime weirdo to a social butterfly (nor do I think I desire to), it would make parties a less painful affair if I didn't have to stand in the corner looking lost and out-of-place.
kaoru said at 12:35 AM
|