Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Back from the Anime Chalet (actually I have been home since Tue afternoon) and refreshed enough to write about it here.
Sad to say, I didn't enjoy this chalet as much as I had the previous ones. The chalet building was much, much bigger than any we ever had, due to a computer booking screw-up that thrust this gigantic chalet and its equally gigantic expenses unto us at the eleventh hour. The size was probably part of the reason why this chalet was rather "cold". Little groups of people were scattered here and there, and thus we lacked that feeling of cosy get-togetherness that chalets are supposed to have. Plus, I felt that there was always something absent in the atmosphere at the BBQ itself, which in previous years (at least to my knowledge) was usually a rowdy, boisterous affair. Perhaps it had something to do with the unfamiliarity of the newer members, the presence of cliques, certain unhappy feelings towards certain people... and of course, I'm sure my own reticence and general ineptitude at social situations have a major part to play as well.
The alumni members couldn't stay overnight because they had work the next day, and things got pretty boring as the night went on. Ricky was sitting on the steps staring at the wall and that's a good indication of how things were like that night. I joined him and in the end some of us formed a group of tramps huddled on the staircase, exchanging gossip. And because we were too lazy to move from the stairs, all rooms were taken and we were left exiled. We then impinged on Philip and shared his room for the rest of the night. Ricky and I couldn't sleep well because of the cold (and because it was tough sharing half of a single-bed) and Yanhua had the worst deal sleeping on the floor.
But though things were not as fun this chalet, I still enjoyed myself spending time with at least some of the comm and ex-comm members. They never fail to provide the comfort of community when I feel most alone and exiled from the tightly-exclusive, private spaces that cliques and couples tend to create around themselves. I'm really grateful to the NUS Anime Club for providing a sort of refuge from this pet peeve of mine, especially after the fallout of 2004, and though it does not (and can never) provide a complete escape, it is good enough to make my university days happy ones.
And on my own part, I must learn to want less and live with less. Perhaps our squatting at the staircase like tramps was a fitting symbol of what I must learn to accept. A minimal community of tramps, like that at the end of Michael K.
This chalet has really brought it home to me most clearly what I have been learning theoretically this past semester. The human self is truly solipsistic and stupid. I do know nothing. I try and I try, thinking, believing that what I am doing is for the good of others, and it turns out that I have only been making assumptions about what goes on in their minds. Empathy has merely led me to impose my own responses on their motivations. And perhaps it is even not as altruistic as that. For every two cents I give out, perhaps only one cent is given for the sake of others and the other for myself.
So it's good the chalet experience has given me a well-needed jolt. It's time I paid a little more attention to those around me and practise what I preach. I certainly can't be complaining about how others are not trying to understand me when I dont't try to understand others too, can I?
kaoru said at 7:09 PM
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